Are you humans really top dog?

It's been a while since I put paw to keyboard. Even though I'm only a dog, sometimes when I hear the things you human beans do to us animals, I am lost for words. So many of you still have the old fashioned idea that all us dogs can't wait to be leader of the pack in your homes, and that's the reason for any and all of our behaviour that doesn't suit you.

I read this very interesting article about someone who had to put right the harm done by people who still believe this so-called dominance theory is correct. http://www.apbc.org.uk/Dog-Whispering-Can-Backfire This Mat Ward sounds like a very nice sensible human bean. I wish there were lots more like him.

Let me tell you a little bit about growling and why us dogs do it. Even though I've been with my human bean for 18 months now, having come from the rescue kennels, we are still learning things about each other, and learning to trust one another. So sometimes I growl at her. And yes, I admit, sometimes I even snap.

But that's not me saying I am top dog in this pack and don't you forget it. On the contrary, that's me saying something really scary is going on around me which I neither understand nor like, and you're pushing me a bit too hard, too fast, to accept it. I'd like you to deal with the scary thing, please, and let me just stay in my corner well away from it. And if you insist I come out and face my phobia, I'll just have to resort to biting you to try to explain how scared I am.

Now my human bean is trainable enough to understand this most of the time and she does her best. But there are still far too many out there who suggest dealing with us frightened dogs by “scruffing” or “pinning” us. Both of these methods seem to involve grabbing us by the neck in a way that hurts and throwing us to the floor. I can't think of anything that would terrify me more, nor make me more likely to bite in self-defence.

Today my human bean clearly had a touch of the sun. She bought a strange machine which made a noise and when she ran it over my coat all my lovely hair finished up on the floor. She said it was to make me feel cooler in the heat. She put my Baskerville muzzle on me, just in case, and explained carefully what she was doing and spoke quietly whenever I growled, so after a while, she got most of it done. If she'd grabbed me and shaken me, I'd have been doubly convinced the machine was dangerous and painful and wouldn't have let her try again. Ever.

There are a lot of “experts” out there who claim to be Dog Whisperers or Dog Listeners. They all seem to share a belief in dominance being at the root of everything dogs do. That means they haven't the slightest working knowledge of the language Canis, which is very complicated. “Grrr” has as many different meanings to dogs as “snow” has to Eskimos. It can mean “I'm going to bite you” or it can mean “I don't want to have to bite you but you're putting me in a situation where I see that as my only option”. Anyone who can't tell the difference is putting themselves and their dog in danger.

Human beans are supposed to be the most intelligent species, yet you persist in wasting time trying to get us to learn your strange language, without taking the trouble to learn even the basics of ours. No wonder dogs have so many problems in your company.

I believe you human beans have to take a theory and a practical test before you're allowed to drive one of your motor cars. What a pity you don't have to do the same before you can have a dog.

If you don't speak Canis, there's no shame in admitting it and getting help from a proper interpreter who does. You only have to look at the APBC website to find one near to you. http://www.apbc.org.uk/ Their people are fluent in Canis, and Equus and Felis, and lots of other animal languages too.

Have you ever had problems in a foreign country when something goes wrong and people are crowded round you all shouting at once in a language you don't understand? Imagine how you would feel if, when you were trying to tell them you simply didn't understand, they suddenly resorted to violence, shaking you by the neck, throwing you to the ground and pinning you there. Then imagine the relief if someone came along who spoke both languages and could explain everything clearly to you and the others.

Sound familiar? Which do you think your dog would prefer?